I'm a freak
Being a princess I love attention but I hate being the center of attention. (as I’ve said many times before)
We had a big meeting at work this morning and I was dreading it ever since I found out I was going to be introduced as a “new” employee (since I got a real job now).
My boss said nice things about me as the room full of people smiled at me. At the end of his speech everyone cheered and my face turned so red that I actually got dizzy! I thought I was going to fall out of my chair but I managed to hang on…
It makes me feel good that I work with such nice people that care about me but I really need to invest in an oxygen mask for those situations

If this doesn?t say I love you I don?t know what does
LD’s quote of the week:

“No matter how confusing you can be I always miss you when you’re gone. When you’re gone things make sense…I don’t like that any more.”

Mission accomplished! Poor dude never saw it comin :P

I hate it when I dont get my way
Last night’s drama was solved before I fell asleep. I woke up and everything was ok. I got to work and my friend was having a shitty day already but I selfishly too our first smoke break to explain last nights drama to her hoping she would be on my side. And of course she was
Day goes on more and more people are having a shitty day. I try to do as many good deeds as I can but they don’t seem to help anyone feel better.
Friend and I go to Arby’s for lunch, she was really looking forward to a Mocha shake…we drive and drive to get one…get to Arby’s and their shake machine is broken.
I felt bad.
We get back to work and I call LD.

“I need a strange favor tonight”

“what’s that?”

“I need you to take me to Arby’s later so I can bring my friend a mocha shake to work tonight.”

“do I really have to drive 40 miles out of my way in rush hour to bring your friend coffee?”

“no forget it” I said clearly pissed off as I hung up the phone.


I wasn’t so mad at him as I was at the fact that I couldn’t do it myself. I always have to rely on someone for just about everything. Don’t get me wrong I was a little pissed at him because this is the kinda stuff you do for your friends, especially the ones that are always there for you and would probably would do the same thing for you…

Yeah I know what you’re thinking “stop whining about it and learn how to drive damnit!”

I wish it was that easy…

closed out
With a shut of a door I feel very alone. No where to go. Don’t want to go but I feel like an outsider.
With one dumb little argument I feel like he’ll never be on my side. I feel unimportant. I can no long explain my feelings.
Overreacting is second nature to me, I beat myself up daily blame myself for things that aren’t my fault but do I accept blame for things that are my fault?
If I cant be on my side who will be?

The hormonal princess goes grocery shopping?


I was moody before we even left the apartment.
As soon as we walked down the hallway one of LD’s neighbors was getting her mail I smiled as we walked by, she GLARED at me! And it wasn’t one of those I’m having a bad day I hate everyone glares it was a glare meant just for me. The contrast of my glowing white skin next to his nice dark skin must have hurt her eyes… I guess I should feel lucky that was pretty much the first hateful look since I’ve been dating LD but I know for a fact there’s more to come. I have been fortunate enough not to hear any comments yet

Off to Aldi’s we go. As we wander through the store randomly putting things in the cart I remember I don’t get paid until tomorrow so I have to write check. Aldi’s doesn’t take checks so LD goes back to get his check card.
I wander around the store trying not to hit shelves or people as I push my cart. 20 minutes seemed to take hours.
A man was trying to come out of the same isle as I was trying to get in and I was having difficulties getting out of his way, I was on the verge of tears and I still had the evil neighbors glare in my head but I forced one of those I’m trying the best I can smiles on my face. The man says to me in a clam voice “you’re ok. Really you are.” As if he was trying to convince me I wouldn’t fall apart. He smiled at me as I got my cart to get out of his path and went on his way
Finally LD comes back and rescues me.

Now off to get cigarettes. Some one would have died if I had to wait 5 more minutes I swear.
I almost jumped across the counter and hugged the man that sold me my $30 carton of smokes (what a steal!!) but managed to contain myself.
I get in the car and quickly open a pack and light LD a cigarette. The poor dude needed it more than I did, putting up with a hormonal princess cant be that easy.

We made it home in one piece and here I sit with my belly full of pizza, chain smoking finally able to write…I am at peace for the first time today

Prison break (written 11-8-05)

I haven’t been updating lately due to limited internet access and it’s driving me crazy! This is my therapy how a get most of the crazy thoughts out of my head… now they’re just stuck there bouncing off of each other getting bigger and more ridiculous. Sometimes it gets so bad I’ll be laying there with my crazy thoughts and LD says “turn your brain off woman! You’re gonna hurt yourself!”

We’ve been talking about getting our own place because the living situation is just becoming too stressful. I’m starting to get the feeling that I’ve done something to offend the roommates, it’s becoming VERY clear I’m not wanted there.

Maybe they have taken my shyness as being bitchy I dunno but something has got to change

On a happier note last night laying in bed after, LD says outta the blue

“just once I wish we could trade spots I swear you would feel like you were a God!”

I giggled and fell asleep.
I think that’s one of the biggest compliments someone has given me

dishpan ass
I woke up pissed off at the world this morning. I got my usual rude awakening of blaring country music. LD sets his alarm clock to the country station thinking it will get my ass out of bed faster. it only causes me to pull the covers over my head and invent new cuss words to yell at him until he turns it off. (He does this for his own amusement I know)

This morning was it irritated me more than usual. I jumped out of bed cussing all the way to the shower. I open the shower curtain to turn on the water and I see dish soap sitting where my bodywash usually is.

Those fuckers used all my soap! I am NOT gonna wash my ass with dish soap! I thought for a second and remembered that Becky had given me another bar of pear soap she got from her friend.

Get done with my shower and go to pick out my clothes. I don’t want to wear any of them. I now throw a mini tantrum. Nothing fits or looks right.

I put on what used to be my favorite jeans that now have a hole wearing in the side of the knee and a shirt that used to fit. I throw a hoodie on over it and stomp into the bathroom to do my hair cussing under my breath.

I get to work and Career Barbie from God knows where comes up to me and asks me if I know where her meeting is and who it’s with. I told her no and she acted if I was the dumbest person on the planet. Well excuse me lady there are hundreds of people in this building and I haven’t a clue what most of them do so you’ll have to forgive me if I don’t know where you’re supposed to be.

I need chocolate, cigarettes and Aerosmith to get me through this day….

at it again...
LD gave me a ride back to my parents house after work yesterday. We ate dinner with ma- n -pa and he ended up staying until 11:30.
when ever he leaves my parents house to go home I always ask him to call me when he gets home because I worry unreasonably about his piece of shit car breaking down or Barney Phife pulling him over for no reason (especially now that he braided his hair)
He kinda looks like a mini thug…I like it ;)
I fell asleep right after he left and I guess the ringtone I gave him isn’t loud enough to wake me up.
At 3 am my phone rang the loudest ringer I have, the restricted number.
In my started daze I randomly push button on my phone to make it quit…then I half wake up…

“FUCK! He wouldn’t call me from a restricted number! God he must be in the hospital or jail…FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!
I look at my call log I have 2 missed calls… one from LD with a message telling me he got home and the missed restricted call…

Fuckin Wrong Number dude!!

two posts in one day woohoo!!

Sitting at LD’s apartment trying not to let being broke and sick get the best of me.
I’m staring at this almost blank screen hopping something brilliant will magically type itself.
I really want to write more of my book but I’m at a loss. I have so many ideas just know clue how to put them together or follow through.

Anyway update on life…

My lunch date went well. His mom is a very sweet lady. he told me I made her do her happy dance…not real sure how I did that but I’m taking it as a sign that she likes me

I’ve been spending most of my time at LD’s. it’s so funny four people in this nice sized apartment just living in two rooms. When ever a member of one of the couples strays out into the rest of the apartment if another couple comes home they scurry right back to their room…me most of all.
Then of course you have the random bitchings of someone using someone else’s stuff or using too much toilet paper…I forgot how much fun it was having roommates.

Friend?s status
Drinking buddies: people you party with, you share drunk/coyote ugly stories but nothing too personal

No name friends: people you say hi to and talk about the weather but can never remember their names

The big brother friend: you go to him for advise, he’s pretty much family status but he’s still a man so he doesn’t get all your issues

The perfect friend: you’ve spent most of your life competing with her. She’s fun to hang out with but leaves you annoyed with yourself and feeling insecure. It’s a love hate relationship

The best friend: she goes with you to the Dr on your lunch break when you have a nasty bladder infection, she buys you a pregnancy test so you will stop worrying about some stupid drunken night, she listens to you cry over and about some asshole that broke your heart. She knows the real you.
You would help her hide a body, give her a kidney… pretty much anything