finding my happy place

I’ve been working on strengthening my mind, to fight out the random negative thoughts that pop into my head. It’s more exhausting than a physical work out.

Last night while we had company, LD and I had (in his words) a minor miscommunication that sent me into a panic attack. I felt the usual hot cold sensation on the back of my next that lets me know my world may possibly come to an end, my heart was beating so fast that I could see my shirt moving. I kept yawning to disguise the fact that I was having problems breathing.
I ran into the kitchen and took my happy pills, sat on the couch, lit a cigarette (which didn’t help the breathing much) hoping that some how E would get the hit and leave so I could fall apart in private.
I finally had to go into the bedroom and shut the door. I laid on my bed unable to cry but feeling the need
Happy thoughts were no where to be found

As soon as I heard E leave I went out into the living room. I wanted to either patch things up or be done with it I hate torture.

Me: But you don’t understand!

LD cuts me off: this is a minor issue, part of solving something is to let the minor shit go. I promise when we have a big problem, and we will have big problems I will let you flip out twice as much, but it’s not necessary now. So please try and be happy.

Inside my head: why did he say we’re gonna have big problems?? Did he cheat on me? Is he not happ? Does he want to leave?
Wait a damn minute he’s just saying that every couple has big problems you cant avoid it…calm your spazz ass down!


I sat on the couch crying silently. Our new kitten came ands climbed into my lap. I hugged him and breathed in his kitty smell (the good kind like baby smell) he meowed at me for a few minutes and amazingly I calmed down. He’s such a sweet cat