Dirty little secrets
I swallow my gum, I like stale cheetoes and I only sing in the shower or when I’m drunk, I like cheesey love songs like the song from Top Gun (I’m listening to it right now)

Are a few things I may tell my shrink

I made my boyfriend write down how he feels about me so he can show me (or hit me over the head with it) every time I question him...
Is probably something I should tell my shrink but my pride may stop me

I refuse to cry in front of my shrink. I will cry at work, the grocery store, the back of a cab, a bar, almost anywhere but a shrinks office, the one place that it’s supposed to be “normal” to cry.

Do I like feeling crazy? Some days. It makes me feel unique, not the shy ordinary girl

Truth is I’m not crazy, lets just say I’m chemically challenged (my new PC term for chemically imbalanced)

Lowered Expectations
today a coworker gave me the biggest compliment I’ve received in a long time...

“What I see is a young woman who has a very quiet spirit that does everything for others and doesn't require thanks or gratitude, you do it because of a true kindness and don't know if you are aware but you will have great rewards when you least expect it because of you kindness. Even though you say you are a spoiled princess kind. I don't believe it.”

This got me thinking of the things that I used to expect and still do.
I used to be a VERY high maintenance friend (still have some of the qualities but I’ve lightened up a lot)
I used to expect way too much from my friends. I would take it personally if a phone call wasn’t returned and be devastated. But one day it just hit me...people have lives! They have kids and spouses to entertain or they’re busy with other shit...get over it.
And suddenly it didn’t phase me anymore, and I think I’ve become a better friend for it.

But the question in my head is why do I expect so much from some people and so little from others?

Why do I expect to be appreciated for every little nice thing I do for LD and do something nice for a stranger and expect nothing in return?

Maybe I’d be a happier person if I expected less from everyone...that is my goal for this year

Get out of jail free card
Three divorced people shared their war stories as they puffed on their cigarettes.
They all had one thing in common they knew their first marriage was for the wrong reasons and couldn’t back out with a church full of people and just hopped things would work themselves out.

Being a few months away from 26 and always dating older men I am not used to being the “more experienced one” when it comes to relationships. LD has told me a few times he has never been in love before me (I don’t believe this to be a line because I’m already sleeping with him)

I shared the war stories with him and offered him this advice...

“No matter how much you think it might hurt, if it doesn’t feel right RUN!”

LD: “so I’m supposed to say yes and then run away?”

“No, do what feels right to you”

LD: “ok bend over”

“You know what I mean smartass”

Sad to say this may have been one of the most grown up things I have ever done. Being that honest with him. I can honestly say I love him more than anyone, and I want more than anything to marry him someday but I don’t want to be married to him if he is unsure

summary

I sit here typing on half of a brain cell, still hung over from last night. Not only am I hung over but I really think I need to start wearing a helmet. I have fallen and hit my head (which was already pounding from the 7 too many jagerbombs) twice today.

Anyway update on life...

I survived the holidays with just the right amount of dysfunction to keep things interesting.

I got a new apartment and LD and I are living happily ever after.

More details tomorrow this screen is not helping my ? a brain cell

I thought this only happened in the movies
I thought this only happened in the movies

About a year ago I wrote about one of my many bad dates. I the guy I was with harldy said two words and just started laughing for no reason. The only thing that saved the night was that I was with my friends and at least they are fun people…

Unknown to me that night someone was at that very same bar with his friends…
I walked by to go to the bathroom

LD: “hey L, That’s the girl I’m gonna marry”

L: “huh?

LD “oh never mind”

Unknown to him he would be picked up in a parking lot a year later by a friend that was with me that very night

Most wonderful time of the year
It seems like once a month I get extremely jealous and paranoid (along with bitch and whiny…hmmm wonder why?)

LD has this on going thing when ever I say my belly hurts he says “maybe you’re pregnant”
So the other day when his belly hurt I said “maybe you’re pregnant”
His response was “if you’re pregnant I’m pregnant”
See I don’t buy into that crap. they may have to put up with us but they’re not pregnant (neither am I by the way)
Anyway his response inspired quiet the discussion.

“if you’re pregnant I’ll have to cater to you and take care of your every need when ever you ring that damn bell”

“Ok in that case were YOU pregnant when L was pregnant?” (one of his many female friends)

“yes”

“no you weren’t”

“yes I was just ask her”

“NO you weren’t I’m telling you, you weren’t. I don’t care what she says”

The story with LD and L is a very sweet one and it makes me love him more BUT it also brings out my jealous princess side too.

The story goes:

L was married to an alcoholic crack head (the worst kind I’m told) who surprise, surprise wasn’t around even though she was going through a high risk pregnancy that required her to be in bed all the time. So LD to the rescue.
He got up early every morning went to her house made her meals, cleaned for her, made sure she took her meds and got her to all her DR appointments and got her to the hospital JUST in time when her daughter was finally born.

It’s obvious why this makes me love him even more but why does it make me jealous you ask?
I DON’T SHARE! I’m an only child for f***sake! He will forever have this close bond to those two that I’m scared he won’t feel if we have children…

I'm a freak
Being a princess I love attention but I hate being the center of attention. (as I’ve said many times before)
We had a big meeting at work this morning and I was dreading it ever since I found out I was going to be introduced as a “new” employee (since I got a real job now).
My boss said nice things about me as the room full of people smiled at me. At the end of his speech everyone cheered and my face turned so red that I actually got dizzy! I thought I was going to fall out of my chair but I managed to hang on…
It makes me feel good that I work with such nice people that care about me but I really need to invest in an oxygen mask for those situations

If this doesn?t say I love you I don?t know what does
LD’s quote of the week:

“No matter how confusing you can be I always miss you when you’re gone. When you’re gone things make sense…I don’t like that any more.”

Mission accomplished! Poor dude never saw it comin :P

I hate it when I dont get my way
Last night’s drama was solved before I fell asleep. I woke up and everything was ok. I got to work and my friend was having a shitty day already but I selfishly too our first smoke break to explain last nights drama to her hoping she would be on my side. And of course she was
Day goes on more and more people are having a shitty day. I try to do as many good deeds as I can but they don’t seem to help anyone feel better.
Friend and I go to Arby’s for lunch, she was really looking forward to a Mocha shake…we drive and drive to get one…get to Arby’s and their shake machine is broken.
I felt bad.
We get back to work and I call LD.

“I need a strange favor tonight”

“what’s that?”

“I need you to take me to Arby’s later so I can bring my friend a mocha shake to work tonight.”

“do I really have to drive 40 miles out of my way in rush hour to bring your friend coffee?”

“no forget it” I said clearly pissed off as I hung up the phone.


I wasn’t so mad at him as I was at the fact that I couldn’t do it myself. I always have to rely on someone for just about everything. Don’t get me wrong I was a little pissed at him because this is the kinda stuff you do for your friends, especially the ones that are always there for you and would probably would do the same thing for you…

Yeah I know what you’re thinking “stop whining about it and learn how to drive damnit!”

I wish it was that easy…

closed out
With a shut of a door I feel very alone. No where to go. Don’t want to go but I feel like an outsider.
With one dumb little argument I feel like he’ll never be on my side. I feel unimportant. I can no long explain my feelings.
Overreacting is second nature to me, I beat myself up daily blame myself for things that aren’t my fault but do I accept blame for things that are my fault?
If I cant be on my side who will be?