to be continued
So frustrated. Of what I don’t know.
So sick of being the black cloud hanging over everyone’s head
Wanting so badly to be someone’s world
So disgusted that I’m so selfish
Craving more love an attention like it’s an addiction
Trying with all my might to pull people closer but instead push them away
Maybe if I try just a little harder they’ll understand
They can feel my desperation
I see the disgust and pity on their faces
Pity quickly turns to anger
The door opens once again

Wait please don’t leave! I’ll do better this time. Cant you see past what I’ve become?
Salt from my tears sting my face as they look back at me I see my reflection in their eyes
Hopelessness

something i wrote for my mom
I wish I was like my mother

I really do wish I was the mother type.
Strong and selfless, to give up things I need to make sure others have what they need and not think twice about it and not expect anything in return.

To put someone else above my feelings and needs,
to be able to truly accept people for who they are.
To have the strength to get up seven times in the middle of the night to comfort them and still drag yourself out of bed and make it into work

To find true happiness in just seeing a smile on their face

Am I the moodiest person that has a blog??
Going through yet another mood swing.
Questioning EVERYTHING.
I assume LD is just pretending that he has some sort of hidden agenda...life is just one big joke played on me I’m gonna wake up one day and all my friends and family are gonna be standing at the foot of my bed pointing and laughing “ha ha you thought we really cared”


why do I do this to him?? Why do I do this to myself??
Why cant I just realize that no relationship is perfect? That it’s ok if I piss him off sometimes, that he’s not gonna jump up and leave if I’m not the perfect girlfriend...I cant be the perfect girlfriend

all I can do is the best I can in life. I’m doing the best I can to fix myself and I cant be happy all the time (even medicated) and I cant expect him to be.

If I cant do anything else for LD at least I’ve made him feel loved totally for who he is...and isnt that what everyone wants?

when you're broke you have to make your own fun
DISCLAIMER: this post may not be suitable for all readers...I am a dirty, dirty girl

today is a mellow day as I recover from the marathon yesterday.

About a month ago I had minor surgery and my Dr. Lectured LD in front of my mother that there would be ABSOLUTELY NO SEX for a MONTH!
Yeah right who the hell can do that??
I wanted to say to my Dr “you try living with him and not doing it!!” There is just something about him I swear

We lasted about 10 days (and only that long because I pitched a princess fit...because a princess has NEEDS)

I decided that we should take today off because tomorrow is my post op appointment...
So LD got the idea he had to make up for lost time...
I had no idea that a man could do it that much in one day!!!
After the 10th time I lost count and my legs went numb

“I can’t feel my legs, are they still attached to me?”

LD ah you don’t need em

“I swear if you ever get Viagra I’m running away!”

LD “you’ll be back”

“Yeah, I will”

Dirty little secrets
I swallow my gum, I like stale cheetoes and I only sing in the shower or when I’m drunk, I like cheesey love songs like the song from Top Gun (I’m listening to it right now)

Are a few things I may tell my shrink

I made my boyfriend write down how he feels about me so he can show me (or hit me over the head with it) every time I question him...
Is probably something I should tell my shrink but my pride may stop me

I refuse to cry in front of my shrink. I will cry at work, the grocery store, the back of a cab, a bar, almost anywhere but a shrinks office, the one place that it’s supposed to be “normal” to cry.

Do I like feeling crazy? Some days. It makes me feel unique, not the shy ordinary girl

Truth is I’m not crazy, lets just say I’m chemically challenged (my new PC term for chemically imbalanced)

Lowered Expectations
today a coworker gave me the biggest compliment I’ve received in a long time...

“What I see is a young woman who has a very quiet spirit that does everything for others and doesn't require thanks or gratitude, you do it because of a true kindness and don't know if you are aware but you will have great rewards when you least expect it because of you kindness. Even though you say you are a spoiled princess kind. I don't believe it.”

This got me thinking of the things that I used to expect and still do.
I used to be a VERY high maintenance friend (still have some of the qualities but I’ve lightened up a lot)
I used to expect way too much from my friends. I would take it personally if a phone call wasn’t returned and be devastated. But one day it just hit me...people have lives! They have kids and spouses to entertain or they’re busy with other shit...get over it.
And suddenly it didn’t phase me anymore, and I think I’ve become a better friend for it.

But the question in my head is why do I expect so much from some people and so little from others?

Why do I expect to be appreciated for every little nice thing I do for LD and do something nice for a stranger and expect nothing in return?

Maybe I’d be a happier person if I expected less from everyone...that is my goal for this year

Get out of jail free card
Three divorced people shared their war stories as they puffed on their cigarettes.
They all had one thing in common they knew their first marriage was for the wrong reasons and couldn’t back out with a church full of people and just hopped things would work themselves out.

Being a few months away from 26 and always dating older men I am not used to being the “more experienced one” when it comes to relationships. LD has told me a few times he has never been in love before me (I don’t believe this to be a line because I’m already sleeping with him)

I shared the war stories with him and offered him this advice...

“No matter how much you think it might hurt, if it doesn’t feel right RUN!”

LD: “so I’m supposed to say yes and then run away?”

“No, do what feels right to you”

LD: “ok bend over”

“You know what I mean smartass”

Sad to say this may have been one of the most grown up things I have ever done. Being that honest with him. I can honestly say I love him more than anyone, and I want more than anything to marry him someday but I don’t want to be married to him if he is unsure

summary

I sit here typing on half of a brain cell, still hung over from last night. Not only am I hung over but I really think I need to start wearing a helmet. I have fallen and hit my head (which was already pounding from the 7 too many jagerbombs) twice today.

Anyway update on life...

I survived the holidays with just the right amount of dysfunction to keep things interesting.

I got a new apartment and LD and I are living happily ever after.

More details tomorrow this screen is not helping my ? a brain cell

I thought this only happened in the movies
I thought this only happened in the movies

About a year ago I wrote about one of my many bad dates. I the guy I was with harldy said two words and just started laughing for no reason. The only thing that saved the night was that I was with my friends and at least they are fun people…

Unknown to me that night someone was at that very same bar with his friends…
I walked by to go to the bathroom

LD: “hey L, That’s the girl I’m gonna marry”

L: “huh?

LD “oh never mind”

Unknown to him he would be picked up in a parking lot a year later by a friend that was with me that very night

Most wonderful time of the year
It seems like once a month I get extremely jealous and paranoid (along with bitch and whiny…hmmm wonder why?)

LD has this on going thing when ever I say my belly hurts he says “maybe you’re pregnant”
So the other day when his belly hurt I said “maybe you’re pregnant”
His response was “if you’re pregnant I’m pregnant”
See I don’t buy into that crap. they may have to put up with us but they’re not pregnant (neither am I by the way)
Anyway his response inspired quiet the discussion.

“if you’re pregnant I’ll have to cater to you and take care of your every need when ever you ring that damn bell”

“Ok in that case were YOU pregnant when L was pregnant?” (one of his many female friends)

“yes”

“no you weren’t”

“yes I was just ask her”

“NO you weren’t I’m telling you, you weren’t. I don’t care what she says”

The story with LD and L is a very sweet one and it makes me love him more BUT it also brings out my jealous princess side too.

The story goes:

L was married to an alcoholic crack head (the worst kind I’m told) who surprise, surprise wasn’t around even though she was going through a high risk pregnancy that required her to be in bed all the time. So LD to the rescue.
He got up early every morning went to her house made her meals, cleaned for her, made sure she took her meds and got her to all her DR appointments and got her to the hospital JUST in time when her daughter was finally born.

It’s obvious why this makes me love him even more but why does it make me jealous you ask?
I DON’T SHARE! I’m an only child for f***sake! He will forever have this close bond to those two that I’m scared he won’t feel if we have children…